And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize