hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
