if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
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