Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
