cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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