I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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