How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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