Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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