in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
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