That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
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