Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
