You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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