dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
