So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
