Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
