Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Randomize
