I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
