the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
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