my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
