well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
