i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
