my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
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