Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
