She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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