what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Ketchup is God's man juice
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Every concussion has its silver lining
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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