you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
