so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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