How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
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