I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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