Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
