Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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