she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
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