I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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