There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
