you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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