I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
