I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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