How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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