Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
