you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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