The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
