Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
