She is in my trunk
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
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