Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
