Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I want a musical about memes.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
