She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
