I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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