I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
