I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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