i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
he told me I talked like a deaf person
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
