I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
