Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
