I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
