Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
