i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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