...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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