Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
