Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
