after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Randomize
