hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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