For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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